Vehicle Rapture

If suddenly the ocean level rose and the UK was under water, I think that my driving lessons course would be one of the first things affected. I'd be learning about motoring in a boat, not a car. My driving practice test would be more akin to Spongebob's, except I'd have to wear a snorkel just to start the car.

My instructor would be wearing full scuba gear for the course. She'd take us all through our training for the driving practice test by making gestures, because we wouldn't be able to hear her through her helmet. We'd have to watch out for fishing boats motoring through our turn lanes, and of course we'd pull over for sharks. I don't know if we'd pull over for squid as a matter of course, but during the actual driving practice test, we'd parallel park between brightly coloured buoys, and maybe a squid would wave us through traffic.

Dolphins would be another hazard while motoring to work. They would be clowning around right in the middle of the road, and you'd have to dart to one side or the other just to avoid being tossed in the air like a beach ball.

Playing soccer would be a test of swimming as well as kicking, passing, and blocking. Water polo would be a whole different game if we were all underwater. Even watching the games on the television would be different, because when my father shouted in delight as his team scored, we would barely hear him. Everything would be muffled underwater.

There would be no more clusters of cigarette smokers polluting the air right outside restaurants and bars. Drinking like a fish would no longer be a social vice, but the natural order of things. We'd have to stop eating fish and chips, for fear of upsetting the neighbours.

Sharkskin jackets would be a thing of the past (well, I guess they are already, actually) as would harpoons and fish hooks. Hydroponic farming would go from a trendy hobby to a matter of life and death. And bathroom facilities would have to be completely redesigned.

Maybe it would be simpler just to cut back our carbon consumption, and stop global warming before it gets that far.